Let's dive right in! (Warning: No Lifeguard on Duty).
1. Roses
Warning: Sharp. May also cause pause and retrospection.
2. Bees, wasps & hornets
Warning: Also sharp and very mobile, they will work in groups and some may even produce honey.
Diabetics beware.
3. Disney Movies
Warning: These films contain crack-level addicting tunes, runaway trains of plotless sequels and they seldom include a mother figure.
4. Underbrush in every living forest in the world
Warning: Underbrush is a probable source of fire, and may also contain rattlesnakes. Shudder.
5. Lightning
Warning: The wrath of God can cause fire, electrocution, and epiphany. Watch out for this flashy sky night-light.
6. Rain
Warning: Rain hazards include flooding, drowning, and wiping out the impure as well as the Giants.
It may also result in rainbows as a reminder of God’s eternal promise not to Genesis 6 humanity again—with a flood anyway.
7. Dobermans
Warning: Dobies contain possible death by cuteness. They also have the tendency to be velcro-dogs and use their velvety snouts to push you right out of bed in the middle of the night. THUMP.
8. Golf
Warning: The predictable unpredictability of the game of golf can cause acute psychosis, and also lead golfers into temptation and to commit the sins of drunkenness, envy & deceit.
9. Elevators
Warning: Heart attacks are possible for claustrophobics and mainly sensible people that just don't like feeling trapped inside a dangling metal box.
10. Ice
Warning: It is extremely slippery and can cause auto-accidents and broken hips—and thoughts of Val Kilmer.
11. Paring knives
Warning: This little knife is sharp like a scalpel and hooked like a velociraptor claw. A lot could go wrong with these, so be careful!
12. Grandmas
Warning: These kind old broads tend to over feed EVERYONE. They’re also known to spoil grand-babies and give love unconditionally.
13. Ponies
Warning: All around expensive, preening, jerks that bite and kick. They’re soulless and smelly. You can also order horse trailer stickers to illustrate these facts.
14. White beach sand
Warning: It, like, gets EVERYWHERE. Sand is not suitable for building a house upon. Avoid sand.
15. Little League Baseball
Warning: Participation in sports can result in competitive young lads, produce team-working skills and instill no-quitter attitudes.
16. Backyard swing sets
Warning: Feelings of weightless delight may result in accidental head injuries, lost flip-flops and painful splinters.
17. Ted Talks
So. Much. Evil.
18. Makeup
Warning: Makeup creates a false sense of beauty, pigment, eyelashes and contour. Love yourself the way you are!
19. Ball-point pens
Warning: Pens are often used to write Dear John Letters, sign divorce papers and put eyes out. Sigh, nothing is safe anymore.
20. Air
Warning: Air sometimes creates tornadoes, messy hair and can also explode car tires. Always use air with extreme caution.
21. Sunfish
Warning: These are tasty, yet deceptive, yellow-bellied fish that often result in confusion and swearing.
22. Homemade maple syrup
Warning: The tree tapping process is a total time waster that teaches you about patience and hard-work.
23. Play-off hockey
Warning: The run to the Cup can cause high-blood pressure, violence, loss of feeling in the face and result in spendy marriage counseling.
24. The 1828 Merriam-Webster Dictionary of the English Language
Warning: When people learn the real meanings of words, they could rise up in angry Revolutionary War style revolts—1776!
25. Kittens
Warning: Kittens have sharp claws and even sharper minds—do not underestimate them.
Now it’s your turn to boldly go where no one has spread warning labels before!
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